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057 – Mormons Morality And Miracle Confirmations

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Podcast host and resident of Catfish Creek Trailer Park, David Michael joined us live.  The “MyBookOfMormonPodcast” is your guide to all that is the Mormon church.  David, a non-Mormon (NoMo) decided to read the Book of Mormon and find out exactly what those Mormon’s are so proud of.

David offers some tips on making Christians feel like dumbasses without one mean or antagonistic word.  It will be my new approach from now one and I can’t wait to try it.

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Dolphin Sex!

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If You’re So Sure About It All…

then why the fuck must you scour the mundane for something to claim?  Every chance the Christian gets to claim a miracle, they do.  Yet they are always the most mundane and simplistic.  Keys, a job, a term paper – those aren’t miracles asshole!

This week I rant a bit on this whole miracle bullshit and why I think Christians must claim everything only because they really and truly don’t find the evidence satisfying.

Watch The Replay

Rant

Claim those miracles, no matter how small.  I remember my pastor and friend saying this and I’ve heard it countless times throughout my life.  “Get Up, Claim That Miracle, you want to be healed, you want to be well, you want more money, no matter what you want, claim it in Jesus’s Name!”

 

And when it fails… oh and it does fail… in fact it fails almost 100 percent of the time, but when it does, just know, you didn’t do something right – or maybe you weren’t ready or maybe god has a different plan for you.  When the super powerful deity resides only within your head, any excuse for failure can be reasoned away.

 

There are no missed blessings or unanswered prayers that can’t be excused because your God has a plan.

 

Imagine getting up each day, seeing the sun rise and picking up the phone, calling everyone, logging onto facebook and exclaiming, Look look, I had the faith and science answered, cosmologists are right, it did come up, the sun is overhead now!  Hallelujah!  Each day repeating the same, each day claiming that miracle of seeing the sun.

 

Feel the warmth, goddamn those physicists, right again.  I feel the warmth right now.  A miracle!  They explained the heat process and holy shit, they nailed it.  I can’t wait for tomorrow to check again.

 

We don’t claim these things.  We don’t need to.  We enjoy living in rooms without padded walls.  We enjoy our freedoms to come and go without being heavily medicated and having security accompaniment.  We don’t need confirmation for the things we KNOW exist, we don’t need confirmation for the things we know will happen.

 

If God is real and god is watching over you, Then why do you need to claim the miracles?

Why must you scour the mundane for something to claim?

Jesus helped me find my keys, Jesus helped me pass the test, Jesus sent you to me, Jesus got me home safely, jesus prevented our death during the tornado, jesus led the rescuers to our car, jesus saved the drowning baby, jesus reminded me to turn off the stove, jesus stopped my migraine, jesus helped me fix my hair, jesus kept our car from running out of gas, jesus made me late and I wasn’t in that horrible school bus accident.

 

Visit any southern church and it may apply to the northern churches too, but I know that any southern church will not pass up an opportunity to claim something thought divine.

 

Brothers and Sisters, God was there for Thelma this week.  She was on the way to the doctors office, an appointment she’s had for over 2 months now.  Sister Thelma is on cummadin to help thin her blood due to the arteriorschlerosis and her bad heart and those mini strokes.  Missing this appointment could be life or death for her.

 

Well she left in plenty of time but traffic was horrible.  As she sat at the red light, she knew that if she caught one more red light she would be too late and miss her appointment.  She said a little prayer, she asked Jesus to help her make it in time.  As soon as she said Amen, the light turned green and as she drove she kept thanking Jesus repeatedly for getting her there on time.  Each light she came to, turned green, almost instantaneously.  Not once did she have to come to a complete stop.  Jesus answered her prayers and although she was a few minutes late, the doctor hadn’t left and was able to see her and renew her medications.

 

Now imagine a doctor and each time seeing a patient with an infection, proclaiming, see right there, germ theory.  It’s true!  Seeing you sick just confirms Louis Pasteur’s great works.  Not just once, but every time this doctor seemingly amazed that Holy Shit, you have an infection, Goddamn that Louis Pasteur, was right.

 

But you won’t find a sane doctor making such proclamations at each sight of sickness.  Because doctors know what germ theory is, it doesn’t surprise them, it doesn’t bolster their faith in Germ Theory each time.  It’s a given, they know it, they understand it and they find no need in acting surprised and excited each time it manifests.

 

Yet you Christians, you religious nutters will take any randomness of chance and pervert it into a miracle.  Not only a miracle, but see, there ya go, proof, my god exists.  If you truly believed and actually knew it to be true, would there be reason for proclamations and joyous retellings?  Who are you attempting to convince?  I would say yourself.  I would say your reason and logic recognize the missed miracles, the opportunities for God to do the impossible and so you must attribute, proclaim and share the mundane chance happenings of your God.  It’s certainly not a sign of faith, but just the opposite, it demonstrates your lack of faith, it demonstrates that inside that monkey brain of yours there lies a hint of reason and logic.

 

Stories of miracles like Sister Thelma’s can be heard in churches every Sunday.  But let me ask you, If Jesus is a miracle worker, why is Thelma sick, why the need for medications, why the need for science’s doctors?  If Jesus wished to impress and bolster your faith for longer than a second, why not heal Sister Thelma, why allow the sickness and disease in the first place?  Jesus could have avoided the green lights all together.

 

And why would Sister Thelma even need to pray, doesn’t Jesus know it all, he knows when the sparrow falls, each hair is numbered atop your head and he knows when you masturbate, what’s the point of requiring prayer before action?

 

I’m a father to 9 children.  Imagine my children come to the fridge to find it empty, the pantry the same.  They say Dad, where’s all the food?  Oh, I know you better than you know yourself, I know you’ll be hungry each day, but none of you came to me and asked for food.  I would really prefer and appreciate you asking in faith that I’ll deliver on my promise to provide, sometimes.

 

What father, what mother, what sane human would require such after proclaiming to care, to know and having accepted the responsibility?

 

Yet your God, says he cares, he knows your needs, he goes further by telling you to think not for tomorrow for he will provide.  Yet each of you feel the need to pray incessantly, to thank continually and to share with others in the event, by random chance your need is fulfilled, regardless the fact you did it for yourself.  Why not instead pray to Murphy, for it is his law that provides you with the probabilities of chance?

 

Imagine each day I take my cast net to the lakeshore to the one spot free from trees and bushes so that I can cast it perfectly.  Each day I cast and each day I catch nothing.  Then one day, I catch 2 little fish and I exclaim -  Thank you Jesus, look at that, it’s a miracle.  Jesus helped me catch some fish.  You could attribute that instead to chance or even to Satan, but you’ll instead remain blissfully deluded and give thanks for nothing, give thanks for the mundane.

 

If you really believed, if you really knew it all to be true, then why not do as Jesus commanded, fret not for tomorrow, no savings, no bank account, no worry for paying the bills, buying food or filling your tank with gas, God will provide?

 

Because you don’t really believe that horseshit.  And it’s why you must scan and comb the vastness of happenstance searching anything regardless of how completely jejune to revive your faith, to rejuvenate your beliefs and to promulgate the ideological insanity.

 

Nowhere else will you find the real and demonstrable being praised and shared each time it’s laws manifest.  Only the trite miracles of imaginary and invisible sky daddies require such efforts.

 

Recently a little girl fell into a pool in TN.  She was found by her parents, unconscious and not breathing.  CPR was administered and after days on life support she regained consciousness.  At three years old this little child tells her mom she saw a bright light and even saw Jesus walking towards her.

 

Her mom retells the story for the media and adds:  “…and she’s never heard of a bright light story before.”

 

As if the miracle of seeing Jesus wasn’t enough, she hadn’t ever been exposed to a bright light story and this confirms that there is a heaven and Jesus is waiting there.  Sorry Muslims, it was Jesus and not Muhammad.  If all Christians believed wholeheartedly this Jesus, heaven, afterlife shit, would there ever be any need to share such trite occurrences?  Wouldn’t it just be considered speaking the obvious, like the doctor who gets excited each time he finds germs have sickened another patient?

 

Holy shit, I turned the key and the motor started.  Turn off the radio kids, listen to that purr, the motors running, that whole combustion engine thing is for real.  We will try it again on the way home.  Fingers crossed everyone.  Fingers crossed.

 

The laws of probability, chance and randomness befall us all, some give thanks to Satan, others to Muhammad, others to Vishnu and some to Christ.  But we thinkers, we without a fragile faith at risk – understand, we recognize the probabilities and we accept it for what it is.

 

But you Christians, you’ll promote the ignorant superstitions, you’ll indoctrinate others, you’ll promulgate the insanity with miraculous explanations of the mundane.  Possibly unknowingly and unaware you hurt others with your miracle claims and propaganda.

 

When those prayers go unanswered or a miracle missed, the faithful bow inside feeling unworthy, unloved and ignored.  They must exercise extreme cognitive dissonance in order to remain hopeful.  The preachers and pastors will tell them that they didn’t hold out long enough, that their faith wasn’t strong enough or that God has another plan.

 

It’s a win win for those whose livelihoods are kept by those most ignorant.  They want you to claim each and every sunrise, claim the purr of each piston stroke or keys found.  It’s the only way they can provide you miracles as promised, it’s the only way you’ll continue in belief and feeding their insatiable appetites for riches and wealth.

 

And  now you know.  No longer can you be excused when you encourage others with your nonexistent miracles.  Your beliefs are harmful and your preachers evil.  Fuck your nonsense, fuck your miracles, fuck your God and fuck you!  In jesus name I pray, amen.

057 – Mormons Morality And Miracle Confirmations

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